Non-Attachment, Benefits and Challenges. Blog 130

Namaste!

Yesterday was a strange day for me - normal in lots of ways but extraordinary in others. My new little Polish friends, Veronika and Pauline (9 yrs old) were waiting patiently by my patio yesterday morning at 9am. We had only become firm friends the day before when they came to tell me that they liked my little patio garden - full as it is of flowers. They also expressed a worry that I might be lonely on my own! I disavowed them of this. Veronika was particularly insightful. Sitting on her bike and talking to me about being Polish in Barking, the perils of homelessness (she has just learnt about this at school), the unkindness of racism and the importance of good friends. She basically knows most things about life, and is a little acorn. She is also hugely resilient, and explained to me that she doesn't accept it when other children tell her to go home to Poland. She stands up to them and tells them that they are being unkind. I love her breathtaking assuredness.  She told me she wanted to be my friend. I liked that a lot. I gave her and Pauline some biscuits (checking first with their mum) and they offered to come in and help me with my washing up! I declined the latter for the moment. Later.I shared some stories with the girls from my childhood and we had great fun together. 

I was struck again by the wonders of real connection - so easy with these little girls. This alongside many emails, messages and phone calls to me following my leaving Arc blog of yesterday. I have to admit to having felt a profound emptiness - a stillness and peace which was essentially good - all the more to have space for new imaginings. 

I was deeply touched and moved by the generosity, thoughtfulness and kindness of my flow of messages. People do really care about each other and I saw the best of that yesterday. It led me to think about leavings and detachment. The messages varied enormously and were all heartfelt. I suspect as well as thinking kindly of me, and imagining my personal challenge of leaving Arc, perhaps more importantly my experience offered an opportunity for others to consider their own losses and leavings. I am pleased if it was useful in any way. In the light of someone else's 'stuff', we more often than not project our own feelings and thoughts. We ask ourselves searching questions 'Would I do that?', 'Are they making a big mistake?', 'What if it all goes wrong and there's no going back?, etc; etc; All good questions in which we can substitute our own narratives at the same time as having care and empathy for the well being of the other. 

And that brings me to the notion of attachment. Its something that has exercised people for all time and which I have always found compelling to think about. Buddism states it simply

‘Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.’

I believe that we are saturated with messages about the wholesomeness - indeed necessity for attachment, particularly in families and organisations, where sadly it can so often breed an unhealthy codependency. And in my view the truth lives in the ability to hold two opposing ideas simultaneously - ie; to avoid black and white thinking. If 'such and such is true than the opposite cannot be' is a trip up a cul-de-sac. Tolerating opposing views or ideas requires us to synthesise. Not always easy, especially when hot emotions appear. How can it be that the Israelis and the Palestinians both hold essential truths that sit alongside each other and yet cause colossal pain and conflict? 

Now here's the thing. Children absolutely need to attach to their caregivers to survive, if they don't have this by the time they are three (Bowlby's attachment theory -http://psycnet.apa.org/?fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759) Bowlby argues that they will lack the necessary foundations for healthy growth into individuated adulthood.

What seems to happen so often though is that attachment goes on well beyond childhood. We see it in the 30 year olds that still live in their parental home. We are at risk of infantilising a whole generation through the well intentioned trend to be 'child centred'. I'm not arguing with that idea fundamentally however - if by this we mean an understanding that children need security and attachment precisely in order to be released from it by 18 at the very latest. 

The Jewish faith has always understood this and put in place the highly sacred ceremonies of Bat Mitzvah and Bar Mitzvah. According to Jewish law 

when boys become 13, they become accountable for their actions and become a Bar Mitzvah. Traditionally, a Bat Mitzvah occurs when Jewish girls become 12, and it means the same as it does for boys.  The age of B'nai Mitzvah was selected because it roughly coincides with physical puberty. Prior to a child reaching Bar or Bat Mitzvah, the child's parents hold the responsibility for the child's actions. After this age, children bear their own responsibility for Jewish ritual law, tradition and ethics and are able to participate in all areas of Jewish community life.

This is supremely sensible and practical and enshrines the importance of well boundaried personal responsibility which in turn can innoculate against the toxins of dependency and attachment.

Detachment is often also a loaded word - implying that if we are detached we are by definition uncaring and unemotional. My belief is that this is a corruption of the meaning. Empathy, compassion, un-demanded unconditional love all raise us up as individuals, families and communities. They allow us to be free to fully actualise ourselves and therefore to engage much more meaningfully in adult relationships without exerting fear induced controls. 

So I recognise that whilst there is a certain sadness, even grief at letting go of Arc - there is also a delightful and peaceful detachment, which means I can step away and at the same time look on fondly.

Enough for this morning -
Have a good Sunday.